It's been a while since I wrote a journal entry here, hasn't it? Usually I just keep my musings and thoughts to myself. I've learned it's more sensible not to spill your guts about every little thing on the web. So this journal's not going to be a confessional or any of that dramatic fluff. It's a little more casual than that.
I've been figuring out my life and what I want out of it. A while ago I finally finished my web development classes. The final project took a while to finish due to work and some technical difficulties. I'm looking into going further with my programming studies soon enough. I didn't expect I'd get a kick out of programming/design, but there you go. This brings me to another important point.
If it wasn't obvious enough, I haven't uploaded much of anything here in the past few months. That's because I haven't had any real interest to make new art (aside from the graphic design that I do for work). I could make excuses about this, that, and the third being the reasons I haven't done anything. I'd rather be honest about it instead.
During the course of this year, I came to a realization about myself. I've spent a lot of my life looking for praise and validation for the things I do. Whether it was academics or art, I was always hoping for some positive recognition for what I did. Whenever I did get recognition, though, it didn't seem like enough. I still had this feeling that I wasn't doing well enough, and that would eat away at me. I couldn't tell you why this was the case, but I can tell you it wasn't a good way to go about things.
I don't think it was a coincidence that the request-a-thon was where I started to lose interest. That whole debacle made me realize I didn't get much out of doing requests. I felt fine giving people free art, but I was still hoping to get a little more recognition for what I did. When I took a break from requests, I ended up taking a long break from art.
I still do want to make art, though. The desire to create is still there, but at this point there's not much of a motivation for it. I remember reading a thread on Facebook about writer's block. The argument was that writer's block was in some ways a litmus test for how dedicated to the craft and a writer is. In essence, you won't overcome the block if you aren't dedicated.
The argument solidified some feelings I was having about my work at the time. I'm still hanging onto those feelings and the idea that I'm just not cut out for this art thing. That may not even be a bad thing in the long run, but there is a part of me that still wants to create something. It might take a while to solidify an actual routine, but maybe I can get back into making stuff just for me. It's all up in the air, really.
On a more positive note, I've been working out a lot more. I've been doing a lot of cardio exercises and I'm planning on getting back into weight lifting. I love being able to hop on a treadmill and just zone out for a good while. I feel fitter and even a bit happier with myself.
So that's how I've been doing for the past while. It feels odd to write a journal entry that resembles something you'd read in a real journal. I'm just hoping the rest of the year turns out alright for everyone. Peace.